Growing Up Drug Free:
A Parent's Guide to Prevention
Chapter 2: Laying The Groundwork
We, as parents, are the most important role models in our children's lives.
What we say and do about drugs matters a lot when it comes to the choices our
children make. We can:
- set a positive example and get involved in our children's lives;
- get involved in their activities, know their friends, know where
they're going and what they're doing;
- create clear, consistent expectations and enforce them;
- talk early and often about drugs;
- discuss the consequences of drug use;
- show we care enormously about what choices our children make about
drugs.
Children learn by example. They adopt the values we demonstrate through our
actions. As they grow, they're impressed by our concern for others when we bring
soup to a sick neighbor and by our honesty when we admit making a mistake.
Although we believe these traits are important, it's not always easy to be
consistent. Telling a friend you're younger than you really are sends a
confusing message to your child — isn't it wrong to lie? If you forbid smoking in
the house, how can you allow your friends to break the rules? If you say that
drinking alcohol is a serious matter, how can you laugh uproariously at TV and
movie drunks? Because alcohol is off-limits for children, even asking them to
fetch a beer from the refrigerator or to mix drinks at an adult party can be
confusing.
Children who decide not to use alcohol or other drugs often make this
decision because they have strong convictions against the use of these
substances — convictions based on a value system. You can make your family's
values clear by explaining why you choose a particular course of action and how
that choice reflects your values. If you're walking down the street together and
spot a blind person attempting to cross, you can both offer to help him and then
take the opportunity to discuss why it's important to support those in need. You
can also explore moral issues by posing hypothetical questions at the dinner
table or in the car — for example, "What would you do if the person ahead of
you in the movie line dropped a dollar bill?" or "What would you do if
your friend wanted you to skip class with him and play video games
instead?" Concrete examples like these make the abstract issue of values
come alive.
Planning for togetherness
Sometimes it's frustrating how few chances there are to have conversations
about drugs with our children. In our busy culture, with families juggling the
multiple demands of work, school, after-school activities, and religious and
social commitments, it can be a challenge for parents and children to be in the
same place at the same time. To ensure that you have regular get togethers with
your children, try to schedule:
- Family meetings. Held once a week at a mutually-agreed-upon time,
family meetings provide a forum for discussing triumphs, grievances, projects,
questions about discipline, and any topic of concern to a family member. Ground
rules help. Everyone gets a chance to talk; one person talks at a time without
interruption; everyone listens, and only positive, constructive feedback is
allowed. To get resistant children to join in, combine the get- together with
incentives such as post-meeting pizza or assign them important roles such as
recording secretary or rule enforcer.
- Regular parent-child rituals. These eliminate the need for constant
planning and rearranging. Perhaps you can take the long way home from school
once a week and get ice cream or make a weekly visit to the library together.
Even a few minutes of conversation while you're cleaning up after dinner or
right before bedtime can help the family catch up and establish the open
communication that is essential to raising drug-free children.
Making your position clear
When it comes to dangerous substances like alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs,
don't assume that your children know where you stand. They want you to talk to
them about drugs. State your position clearly; if you're ambiguous, children may
be tempted to use. Tell your children that you forbid them to use alcohol,
tobacco, and drugs because you love them. (Don't be afraid to pull out all the
emotional stops. You can say, "If you took drugs it would break my
heart.") Make it clear that this rule holds true even at other people's
houses. Will your child listen? Most likely. According to research, when a child
decides whether or not to use alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs, a crucial
consideration is "What will my parents think?"
Also discuss the consequences of breaking the rules — what the punishment will
be and how it will be carried out. Consequences must go hand-in-hand with limits
so that your child understands that there's a predictable outcome to his
choosing a particular course of action. The consequences you select should be
reasonable and related to the violation. For example, if you catch your son
smoking, you might "ground" him, restricting his social activities for
two weeks. You could then use this time to show him how concerned you are about
the serious health consequences of his smoking, and about the possibility that
he'll become addicted, by having him study articles, books, or video tapes on
the subject.
Whatever punishment you settle on shouldn't involve new penalties that you
didn't discuss before the rule was broken — this wouldn't be fair. Nor should you
issue empty threats ("Your father will kill you when he gets home!").
It's understandable that you'd be angry when house rules are broken, and sharing
your feelings of anger, disappointment, or sadness can have a powerfully
motivating effect on your child. Since we're all more inclined to say things we
don't mean when we're upset, it's best to cool off enough to discuss
consequences in a matter-of-fact way.
Contrary to some parents' fears, your strict rules won't alienate your
children. They want you to show you care enough to lay down the law and to go to
the trouble of enforcing it. Rules about what's acceptable, from curfews to
insisting that they call in to tell you where they are, make children feel loved
and secure. Rules about drugs also give them reasons to fall back on when they
feel tempted to make bad decisions. A recent poll showed that drugs are the
number-one concern of young people today. Even when they appear nonchalant, our
children need and want parental guidance. It does not have to be preachy. You
will know best when it is more effective to use an authoritarian tone or a
gentler approach.
Always let your children know how happy you are that they respect the rules
of the household by praising them. Emphasize the things your children do right
instead of focusing on what's wrong. When parents are quicker to praise than to
criticize, children learn to feel good about themselves, and they develop the
self-confidence to trust their own judgment.
What your own alcohol, tobacco, and drug use tells your children
Drinking alcohol is one of the accepted practices of adulthood. It is legal
for adults to have wine with dinner, beer at the end of a long week, or
cocktails at a dinner party. But drinking to the point of losing control sends
the wrong message to children, as does reaching for a drink to remedy
unhappiness or tension.
Although it is legal for adults to smoke cigarettes, the negative impact
tobacco has on a smoker's health is well documented. If a child asks his parents
why they smoke, they may explain that when they began, people didn't understand
how unhealthy smoking is and that once a smoker starts, it's very hard to stop.
Young people can avoid making the same mistake their parents did by never
starting and risking addiction.
When parents smoke marijuana or use other illegal drugs, they compromise not
only their children's sense of security and safety, but the children's
developing moral codes as well. If you use illegal drugs, it is self-deluding to
imagine that your children won't eventually find out. When they do, your
parental credibility and authority will go out the window. If their
parents — their closest and most important role models — don't respect the law, then
why should they? Parents who abuse alcohol or other drugs should seek
professional help. This help is available at treatment centers and from support
groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. Their children also
may benefit from professional counseling and support from groups such as
Families Anonymous, Al- Anon, and Nar-Anon.
What to say when your child asks, "Did you ever use drugs?"
Among the most common drug-related questions asked of parents is "Did
you ever use drugs?" Unless the answer is "no," it's difficult to
know what to say because nearly all parents who used drugs don't want their
children to do the same thing. Is this hypocritical? No. We all want the best
for our children, and we understand the hazards of drug use better than we did
when we were their age and thought we were invincible. To guide our children's
decisions about drugs, we can now draw on credible real-life examples of friends
who had trouble as a result of their drug use: the neighbor who caused a fatal
car crash while high; the family member who got addicted; the teen who used
marijuana for years, lost interest in school, and never really learned how to
deal with adult life and its stresses.
Some parents who used drugs in the past choose to lie about it, but they risk
losing their credibility if their children discover the truth. Many experts
recommend that when a child asks this question, the response should be
honest.
This doesn't mean that parents need to recount every moment of their
experiences. As in conversations about sex, some details should remain private,
and you should avoid providing more information than is actually sought by your
child. Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand exactly why and what
a child is asking before answering questions about your past drug use, and limit
your response to that information.
This discussion provides a good opportunity for parents to speak frankly
about what attracted them to drugs, why drugs are dangerous, and why they want
their children to avoid making the same mistake. There's no perfect way to get
this message across, only approaches that seem more fitting than others. Some
suggestions:
- "I took drugs because some of my friends used them, and I thought
I needed to in order to fit in. In those days, people didn't know as much as
they do now about all the bad things that can happen when you smoke marijuana or
do other drugs. If I'd known then what I know now, I never would have tried
them, and I'll do everything I can to keep you away from drugs."
- "Everyone makes mistakes, and when I used drugs, I made a big
one. I'm telling you about this, even though it's embarrassing, because I love
you, and I want to save you from making the same stupid decision that I made
when I was your age. You can learn from my mistakes without repeating
them."
- "I did drugs because I was bored and wanted to take some risks,
but I soon found that I couldn't control the risks — they were controlling me.
There are much better ways of challenging yourself than doing drugs."
- "At your age, between homework, friends, sports, and other
interests, there are a lot of fun things going on. If you get into taking drugs,
you're pretty much giving up those other things, because you stop being able to
concentrate, and you can't control your moods or keep to a schedule. You'll miss
out on all these great experiences, and you'll never get those times
back."
- "You don't know how your body will react to drugs. Some people
can get addicted really quickly and can get really sick even using a drug for
the first time."
- "I started drinking/doing drugs when I was young, and I've been
battling them ever since. They made me miss a big part of growing up, and every
day I have to fight with myself so they don't make me miss more — my job, my
relationships, and my time with you. I love you too much to watch you set
yourself on the same path."
A mother looks back
Anne D. of Marietta, Georgia, mother of a son and two daughters, ages 22, 21,
and 20:
"My three kids are all in college now, so we're testing what they
learned at home when they were growing up.
"I've always tried to talk with them, not at them, and to demonstrate
the values our family thinks are important. For example, when we were on
vacation, someone left a camera behind in our room, and I made a point of saying
'This isn't ours let's let them know at the desk.' I tried to show how I value
honesty.
"Since they were young, we've discussed healthy lifestyles and habits,
and when they were in middle school, we started talking about how they should
call home from parties if drugs were present. I'm not sure if we picked them up
every time they were at a party where there were drugs, but I'm sure we did most
of the time. High school was an especially challenging time for my kids because
I was getting divorced then. But they got through it fine, and I think it's
because they had a good foundation of values to fall back on."
How grandparents can help raise drug-free children
Grandparents play a special part in a child's life and, unlike parents,
grandparents have had years to prepare for their role. They've been through the
ups and downs of child-rearing and bring a calmer, more seasoned approach to
their interactions with their grandchildren. They, as well as other extended
family members, can serve as stable, mature role models, especially if they need
to step in to assume some of the responsibilities of the child's parents.
These important elders have one advantage over parents: Their relationships
with their grandchildren are less complicated, less judgmental, and less tied to
day-to-day stresses. Grandparents can use their positions of trust and intimacy
to reinforce the same lessons in self-respect and healthy living that children
are learning from their parents. When grandparents show concern with questions
like "Has anyone ever tried to sell you drugs?" or "Why are your
eyes so red?" they may be more likely to hear honest answers — especially if
they indicate that they are willing to listen in confidence, and will not be
quick to judge or punish. Their grandchildren may be less defensive and more
likely to listen closely to their advice about avoiding drugs. Grandparents can
also help reinforce positive messages and praise their grandchildren when they
do well.
Table of Contents
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Source: US Department of Education - 1998
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Alcohol
and Teens
Alcohol
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Alcohol
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